Hokie Spirit Fund

Here is some information my family learned about the Hokie Spirit Fund this week:

- To receive any support from the HSF, the families of deceased victims have to fill out an application and submit it by Friday.

- On this application all living parents of the deceased must agree to how the fund will be given to the family.

- Also, on this application both signatures of the living parents are required.

- This also includes “fathers” who left their family over 22 years ago, has had little to no contact with his children, and owes about $100,000 in back child support.

Tags: Family, Insanity, Life

My eyes burn from all the crying.

I’ve had a lot of wine tonight and I’m still going to take some Tylenol PM to help me sleep.

I just opened an email containing a link to a special website with the information from the VT Review Panel’s report. It is secret, just for the families. But, that is how my Wednesday night is ending. Reading the report that details all of why/how/when my brother was killed. It could be twice as long, but still wouldn’t be enough. I was really hoping to have an “Ohhh….” moment. A moment while reading the report that I could peacefully say, “Nothing could have been done.”

I don’t see that.

Through teary eyes I tried to read that damn report and all I can say is “Why isn’t he here?!?” I know I’ve had a lot of wine tonight and I’m emotional, but still…..why did no one cancel class that day?!?…………it will never make sense to me.

Tags: Family, Insanity

Friday Night Football

We are in Narrows for their season opener. Tonight they retired Jarrett’s #24 jersey and the Hokie band came to play the half-time show. The family wore matching Green Wave shirts and the twins wore Va Tech cheerleader outfits. The Narrows stands were a mixture of green, yellow, maroon, and orange. Never have those four colors seemed to belong together as much as they did tonight.

We had a good time taking the babies to their first Narrows High football game.

It was overwhelming to see how much this town loves Jarrett.

We brought home Jarrett’s #24 jersey and it’s sitting in the family room. We are not sure what we are going to do with it, but it is very special to us all.

I have a lot more pictures here.

Also, the local news station covered the night and put together a nice video that includes a short clip of Jarrett playing football his senior year.

Tags: Family, Insanity, Life

Honoring The 32 & Honoring My 1

Barely left with the energy I needed to drive home, I returned from an emotionally exhausting weekend in Narrows. My family had 2 dreaded tasks to complete this weekend. First, on Friday I joined my family and we drove down a windy road to meet with a man who would help us design a headstone for the grave. The second task ahead of us was to attend the memorial dedication at Va Tech. Obviously these 2 tasks have strong similarity in that they were both using a big rock to set up a memorial for us to honor lost ones.

On Friday I had expected my family to be too overwhelmed for us to work together and design a headstone fitting for Jarrett’s grave and I was quite sure that I’d leave very frustrated. But, I was wrong. Very wrong. It was beautiful moment as we spent hours talking about Jarrett and his passions. His memorial will be a good representation of places that were special to him, his appreciation of unique structures, and his family nickname. A small bit of peace came into me after we finished designing his memorial.

Sunday’s memorial dedication was a very different experience. I’m sure many people thought the ceremony was encouraging and full of Hokie spirit. Not me. The heat combined with the speeches “moving me forward” left me feeling like I was going to faint. I’ve grown tired of memorials that are more about the ones left behind and I’m weary of speeches about prevailing. Those memorials do not bring me any peace. I can not attend them and fondly remember my brother.

I hope the dedication ceremony was the last event at Tech that I will attend to honor The 32. Instead, I will remember My 1. This coming Friday is Narrows High School’s first football game of the season. Before the game they are retiring Jarrett’s jersey and at half-time the Va Tech band is performing. Earlier this month my mom received 100 CDs with the Craig Whittaker song written for Jarrett. Later this year, a bridge in Narrows will be named in honor of Jarrett. Just before Christmas of this year, the black onyx headstone designed by his family will be put into place and I will honor My 1.

Tags: Family, Insanity, Life

Irrational

Strangely and cruelly the days in July fall the same way they did this past April. Friday the 13th followed by Monday the 16th. Most people probably did not even take notice, but I’ve been dreading this week since I first glanced at July’s calendar. One of the more peculiar habits I’ve started is searching for the 16th of the month with every calendar I see. My face lost all color and I trembled when I saw that July would have the 16th on a Monday. Yes, it is too soon for irony like that. Tomorrow marks three months since Jarrett’s funeral. It will also end this horribly cruel week.

Others who lost a sibling on that day have started to connect with each other. I’ve been added to an email list and I became Myspace/Facebook friends with some of them. I get a couple of messages a day from people who have lost like I have. I do not know if these connections will bring any healing, but I am in an awkward place. The loneliness I experience now exhausts me, but when offered company I often deny it, stating that I want to be alone. I’m still afraid of breaking down in front of others. I’m afraid they will think I am a pity-party and devalue my grieving. So I cling to my emails and MySpace/Facebook messages. They are safer (I guess blogging is too). I can read them while crying or yelling and no one will judgingly make me feel worse about myself. This week the emails asked for prayers as some of the lost loved ones had birthdays to be celebrated. It is too much for me and I ache for those left behind. Of course this also makes me think of Jarrett’s birthday. I realize that time keeps moving and someday Jarrett’s birthday will come. Our birthday week will come. Just like I had to get through this cruel, painful week I will have to fight to survive our birthday week as well.

The shock of Jarrett’s death is starting to wear off and I’m beginning to understand how my life is now drastically different than pre-April 16th. I’ll admit that in the past I’ve often chosen the “flight” option when faced with an undesirable situation. As a child I believed the grass could be, and probably is greener on the other side. This situation is not exempt from those longings and I fight them each day. I want to escape not only the pain, but this “life” I’ve been left with. I want to run away and create a new life. I’ll make up a new me, one that never had a beloved brother, and I’ll live in that fantasy as long as I can. Though it won’t be real, it has to be better than this life I’ve been left with. I know it sounds crazy. I know it means I would leave behind even more people that I love. Those are rational thoughts, but I’m sorry, what I’m experiencing is the opposite of rational, possibly like the decisions made on that day in Blacksburg.

Tags: Insanity

Exhausted

Today I slept in past 9:00 and I took two naps for a combined 4+ hours of napping. Still, I feel exhausted.

The events of the weekend wore me out. On Thursday & Friday I was in Blacksburg to help my mom clean out Jarrett’s apartment. I prepared myself for us to spend hours in his apartment sobbing, but we didn’t. For the most part we worked faster than our emotions could keep up with. Most days I function in a mode where I don’t realize that all of this was real. While cleaning out his apartment I kept thinking that I wanted to do a good job, just like if I was helping him pack to move to Florida this fall.

My mom & I attended the Governor’s meeting on Saturday. Before the meeting we met several other families for lunch. It was a long day full of difficult moments. During the meeting questions were asked and comments were made about the events of that day and the days immediately after. A lot of things that I had tried to forget about were discussed. But, I guess even though it was difficult there was some good to come from the meeting.

While I was away Dan (with the help of a friend named Ryan) put up a website in honor of Jarrett. We will be adding more content over the next few weeks.

Tags: Insanity

On the Radio

I was constantly flipping through the radio stations on my way to Narrows today.  For one brief moment my dial accidentally landed on a Christian Radio station.  Before I could realize what was going on, one of the most beautiful songs started to play.

Here is the chorus,

“This is what it means to be held.

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life.

And you survive.

This is what it is to be loved.

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell, we’d be held.” 

- “Held”, by Natalie Grant

Tags: Insanity

Narrows

I am going to Narrows today. Along with my sister and mother, we will be cleaning out Jarrett’s apartment. Then I am bringing my mom back to Richmond so we can attend the meeting with the Governor on Saturday. In other news, Richmonders can expect a shortage of wine after this week…..

Tags: Insanity

From my time in Narrows

Written in my journal, while visiting Narrows.  The quote at the end is from Lady Lazarus by Sylvia Plath.

Missed a day of writing and now I’m in Narrows.  I came alone and truly realize the depth of my loneliness.  My only company is stress, which is immeasurable. 

Thank-you notes to write,

memorial funds to fuss about,

his mail still comes, 

Norris Hall is opening,

flowers are dying, 

a new memorial is being built,

hurt families have hired a lawyer,

his apartment needs to be cleaned out,

tonight, a scholarship is being awarded in his name,

the house is a mess,

the high school yearbook staff needs pictures for their dedicated book,

his last paycheck needs to be picked up,

the AP calls for an interview,

a baseball game is scheduled to raise money for the memorial fund,

his car insurance still hasn’t been canceled,

a song, written for him, is recorded in Nashville,

nieces are learning how to walk, 

colorful ribbons still hang on trees,

and strangely, days still pass,

life continues while stress suffocates,

and I am lonely for him. 

The hardest moment is the one I’m experiencing.  It is difficult to be here, to be home, but the writing helps.  The writing makes me want to be here, makes me want to be in this moment, to remember, write, feel, and to long for him….

“I do it so it feels like hell.   I do it so it feels real.”

Tags: Insanity

Yesterday

Once a week or so I have a day where my insanity is uncontrollable. Yesterday was one of those days. After not being able to sleep for more than 2 consecutive hours during the night, I got out of bed around 6:30ish. I spent over an hour aimlessly checking email, Myspace, the news, and cuteoverload.com until all of that clicking made me hungry and I had first breakfast. Just as my belly started to feel full the insanity emerged.

Ever have those moments when you walk into a room to retrieve an item, but suddenly forget what item it is that you came after. Then you mumble, “Hmm….what did I come in here for…”, while you look around the room hoping that something you see will trigger your memory. That is the state of mind I was in yesterday as I wondered around the house. I couldn’t focus or make a decision and stick with it. For example, I decided to walk to Buzzy’s to get second breakfast and take it to the park to eat while I did my version of Morning Pages. On my way out the door I impulsively decided to drive to Buzzy’s. On the drive there I thought, wouldn’t it be nice to sit at Buzzy’s and write instead of going to the park. Once I got inside Buzzy’s I decided to screw it all and get my breakfast and take it home. So, I did. The rest of the day was similar. My only accomplishment was folding and putting away 2 months of laundry that I had done, but let sit in baskets for almost a week.

Tags: Insanity

Day 2

I haven’t done nearly as much cleaning today as yesterday, but I did start grief counseling today. I’ve never had counseling before. Well, except for one time in 7th grade when two girls in my class got into an argument. Both of the girls where friends of mine and for some reason the counselor wanted me to sit in on their “let’s be friends again” talk. The counseling worked and those two girls were quickly bff again. I think grief counseling is going to be a little different. One major difference was the lack of stuffed animals at my therapists office today. Though, she does have a dog named Olive, which she called her assistant.

When I spoke to my therapist (Holli) over the phone all I told her was that I wanted to meet with her for grief counseling. I didn’t give her any information about the situation. However, when I got there today she already knew about Jarrett. She must read the paper or watch the news. Anyway, I’m glad she knew and I didn’t have to tell her and wait for her to freak out. Instead, she asked me questions about my life, where I grew up, and what the past couple of months have been like for me. She asked how my mom & sister are doing. It was a very comfortable experience. She shared with me her thoughts on grief and surprisingly they lined up with what I have already been piecing together. Such as, it is good to write every day. Also, I’ve heard about there being certain steps/phases in the grieving process and you move from one to the other. Yeah, I think that is bullshit and so does Holli. I think it she is a good match for me and I’m going to see her again in a couple weeks.

Tags: Insanity, Life

Sabbatical

I decided to take a leave of absence from work to have some time to take care of myself. Today is the first day. I started to do some of those chores that must be done, especially in home that has been neglected for almost 2 months. I can’t recall the last time I’ve been to the grocery store, but I went this morning. The small store felt so foreign that I was lost, but I survived and we were able to eat breakfast at home. Now I’m working my way through 2 months of laundry and attempting to clean our bedroom. Hopefully my entire sabbatical won’t consist of laundry and cleaning.

Tags: Insanity, Life

Paused

Over the weekend I went to the beach. I needed to get away and have some time to myself. Being so close, the beach was an easy escape. But, there is no other place I would have rather gone because I know how Jarrett loved the beach. I guess part of me expected to go there and feel close to him because I know it was a place where he had fun. It was too windy and cold on the first day for me to do anything outside other than walk to get dinner. I spent that evening in my room, listening to music and attempting to write. Those few moments reminded me of his spirit. I know that if he had been there with me he would have convinced me to go outside. No one else would have been able to get me to leave the warmth of my room, but he would have done it easily and we would have gone out to play until I was exhausted.

My life has changed drastically and not by my own actions or decisions. I am full of disbelief as I try to comprehend that what I experience each day is now my life. A huge chunk of my existence is gone with Jarrett. We all have identities at the core of our being that define who we are and who we become. At my core I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a friend. I am “Jarrett’s big sister”. I know I will always have memories of Jarrett, but there is no future with him. How am I suppose to go on with life without him? My life and existence was having him be part of what defined me. I do not know how my life is going to continue without him. The past, present, and future have collided to form a mangled mess that I can’t pull apart. I look at a clock and see that minutes and hours pass by, but that has no meaning to me. I look at a calendar and see that more than a month has passed, but my brain can’t comprehend. Life was paused on that day.

Tags: Insanity, Life