3
A Story About My Mom
Posted by alicia on Mar 23, 2008 in Uncategorized
The Roanoke Times published a story today about my mom and her faith. Along with the article there is an audio slide show.
Driving at Night
Posted by alicia on Mar 16, 2008 in Uncategorized
Dan & I went up to Maryland this weekend for Mike & Sarah’s wedding shower. After the shower, I drove us back home to Richmond, and most of our drive was after the sun had set. Although I was only able to see a few yards of highway lit by the headlights, I was able to travel the 1oo+ miles necessary to get home. We made the trip home, a few yards at a time. I had never really thought about that until I heard Anne Lamott talk recently. It was a quote she shared by someone I can’t remember.
I’ve been thinking about Jarrett constantly today. It’s been about a year since I last saw him. This time last year he was on spring break and he came to Richmond for a visit. I’m dumbfounded as how a year has gone by. I guess it is much like driving at night. Each morning I wake up and I’m able to see the few hours ahead of me. I travel through those hours not knowing how I will ever be able to get through tomorrow, or next week. Hour by hour, or, depending on the day, minute by minute, and I’ve somehow traveled a year.
Update: I found the quote…
“It’s like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” by E.L. Doctorow
Wanted: Beach House
Posted by alicia on Feb 19, 2008 in Uncategorized
My family & I have decided to spend the weekend of Jarrett’s birthday at one of his favorite places, the beach. I have been put in charge of finding a nice beach house to rent for a weekend in March. I am thinking we will just go down to North Carolina. I am looking for advice on places to find good rentals. I checked out CraigsList, but didn’t really see anything I liked.
Too much. (warning: tipsy blogging)
Posted by alicia on Feb 18, 2008 in Life
Ah, what a weekend.
I feel like my weekend was so full of emotional events that I need at least a week’s worth of “me time” to process it.
My in-laws came to visit, which, as usual was a joy (and I don’t just say that b/c I know they read my blog). There are a couple of women in my life right now that I feel like I was destined to know. I feel we will impact and shape each others’ lives in ways we will never fully understand. My mother-in-law is one of those women. So, I of course, cherish any time I get to spend with her. And, her hubby isn’t that bad either. 
Sadly, this weekend I have a close friend who is with family now, remembering and celebrating her mother who passed away a year ago. As I passed over 10 months, she reached a year. She is 2 months and 3 days ahead of me in grief. Which means, she is 2 months and 3 days ahead of me in dealing with awkward, painful anniversaries. Although she may have had a good, peaceful time, I hurt for her.
Also this weekend I had a tough phone call with my mom, who struggles with loneliness and is reminded of our pain with the recent school shooting in Illinois.
The weekend ended with a surprise treat. We just spent the evening catching up with friends that I adore and then watched a beautiful movie together.
Really, it’s too much to carry to work tomorrow.
Coping
Posted by alicia on Jan 20, 2008 in Uncategorized
Earlier this evening I read a short article about January 21st (tomorrow!) being the saddest day of the year. The author said this was due to people being ganged up on by things like holiday credit card debit, miserable cold weather and failed new years resolutions. (I honestly don’t know how people have already failed, I have yet to start my new year resolutions.)
Anyway, the article has me thinking about how we cope with sadness and grief. I don’t have a clue how to deal with my own grief. It has been nine months since the greatest lost I’ve ever known, and I feel like at any moment I am going to all fall apart and I have to fight to survive each day.
The wisest person I know once told me that everyone is grieving about something. I agree and see it in friends who are lonely, unfulfilled and isolated. Even without looking in the mirror, I see people who are in pain everyday and don’t know what to do.
But I believe that there has to be something we can do, together, to help lessen the pain. Or at least provide some company in our misery. I’m not really looking for healing, just some coping companions who want to try to be honest about grief.
I will probably sleep well tonight
Posted by alicia on Jan 13, 2008 in Uncategorized
Today has been an emotional roller coaster for me.
Maybe I stayed up too late last night, maybe I drank too much this weekend, maybe it is just time for another round of breakdowns.
But, today has been very difficult to get through.
I was angry at how some people easily dismiss the reality of pain and brokeness.
Frustrated, I realized I am not good at articulating what angers me.
I cried.
I had a few happy moments.
I got a small makeover.
I felt that intense loneliness that makes life seem worthless.
I watched football with friends.
I, again, thought about how horrible I am at relationships and that I truly do not fit in with anyone.
I cried again.
I wanted to give up on everything.
I felt cared for and not alone.
Once again, I cried, unstoppable tears responding to love.
Magic & Sickness
Posted by alicia on Jan 2, 2008 in Uncategorized
Today was my first day at work since before Christmas. I’m very surprised that I was able to stay awake all day and that the work day went by quickly. After work I went to Barnes & Noble to spend a holiday gift card (got a book of short stories and a book about jewelry making). Bookstores are magical to me. I can spend hours just walking around, browsing and adding books to my “To Read” list.
However, going to big store like Barnes & Noble now has a eery feeling to it as well. It wasn’t until after I got my tea and walked by the Virginia section that I remembered there have been some books published about April 16th. It is unreal to me that I can walk into a bookstore and read a biography about Jarrett, a biography written by a complete stranger. Also, that I would have to pay money to take it with me and read about my brother. Not saying that I want the book, just that it seems weird/wrong that people are paying money to learn about my brother’s life…..even dirtier and sickening….that people who never knew him are making money from his death.
The Nixons - Sister
Posted by alicia on Dec 21, 2007 in Uncategorized
Here I am again,
Overwhelming feelings
A thousand miles away
From your ocean home
Part of me is near
Thoughts of what we were invade
The miles that stand between
We can’t separate
Your all I hoped you’d become
Sister I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister I miss you
Fleeting visits pass
Still they satisfy
Reminders of the next
Overshadow goodbye
Our flames burn as one
Sister I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister I miss you
All I am begins with you
Thoughts of hope understood
Half of me breathes in you
Thoughts of love remain true
Here we are again saying goodbye
Still we fall asleep underneath the same sky
You’re all I knew you’d become
Sister I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister I miss you
Entwined, you and I
Our souls speak from across the miles
Intertwined, you and I
Our blood flows from the same inside
Half of me, breathes in you
Thoughts of love remain true
I see you, I feel you
When I close my eyes
I see walking there…
I see you dancing in my mind
Making the world a better place….
Posted by alicia on Dec 17, 2007 in Uncategorized
Words of encouragement I received in an email from the mother of one of the VT victims:
“If we can heal, the world will be a much better place.”
More Pain
Posted by alicia on Dec 9, 2007 in Life
Three more senseless shootings in the past few days. Dozens of families who will never be the same. Dozens of people, who are hurting and who lost their life today, because a death doesn’t end just one life.
Maybe our conversations and journey in life shouldn’t be so focused on figuring out what is right and what is wrong, because there are times when life doesn’t follow those rules. There are times when everything you want to believe about good defeating evil, about bad things not happening to good people just don’t seem true. It is in those moments that I think we should worry less about figuring out right and wrong, and spend more energy trying to figure out how to give life/hope/love/peace/joy back to those who are in pain.
Holidays
Posted by alicia on Dec 3, 2007 in Life
I guess Christmas celebrating is in full-swing. On Friday we went downtown to see all Christmas lights and enjoy warm drinks. Yesterday I pulled out our Christmas decorations and put some up, not as much as in past years. No tree. No outside decorations other than the wreath I made for our first Christmas. Our weekends are quickly filling up with holiday parties, already we are having to plan a party-hopping evening. This coming weekend is also the Christmas celebrations in Church Hill.
Like many of you, growing up and moving away from home means having to redefine the Christmas experience. I had to let go of a lot of traditions, which usually left me saying, “it doesn’t feel like Christmas.” Since then, I’ve tried new ways of celebrating each year with various friends and my extended family. These new celebrations were meaningful, enjoyable and usually spent with people I love, but still never felt like the holidays I had fallen in love with as a child at home. I guess this year will be the ultimate “doesn’t feel like Christmas” season. Everything already feels like I’m going through the motions. Which, I feel obligated to do because it is much easier than to explain why I’m not following along, and also, sucking it up and getting it over with won’t bum everyone else out.
New Ink
Posted by alicia on Nov 28, 2007 in Uncategorized
I went to River City Tattoo tonight to get some new ink. I have a bird on my back, carrying a banner for Jarrett.
Dan took this picture as soon as the tattoo was finished, as you can see my skin is red and irritated. I’ll post a new picture when everything looks better.
From Thanksgiving 3 years ago
Posted by alicia on Nov 23, 2007 in Uncategorized
There are things about me that I feel I have lost along the way of life….good things….things that I grieve about. But, when I am with Fawn & Jarrett, I feel those things start to come alive again. Most of all, my want to care for others and the drive to enjoy every moment to the fullest. I know it sounds cheesy…live life to the fullest. But that is what happens when I am with them. The dullest moments, the painful moments, the awkward moments, the joyous moments, the silly moments, the embarrassing moments….everything in life. Everything in life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, is a meaningful opportunity. And, when we are together we choose to explore that for all it is worth. Most of the time we end up in tears or laughing hysterically. This time it was all laughs.
RVA Ink
Posted by alicia on Nov 12, 2007 in Life
It’s time for my next tattoo, but I don’t know where to go. Please share your good, bad and ugly stories of RVA tattoo shops.
-
Lonely
Posted by alicia on Oct 14, 2007 in Life
Grief is something that most of us do not know how to handle. We don’t know what to do when mourning and we definitely don’t know how to walk along side those who are hurting. I’m coming to grips with that. As time goes by, I’m finding it impossible to share my real thoughts and daily struggles with others. I am isolating myself, well, as much as I can while still blogging. At least with my blog I feel like you have the choice to stop reading. I can’t corner you, unload my fucked-up life on you and then feel guilty, or even worse, have to receive a “everything happens for a reason” or a “time will heal” speech. From my experience, time isn’t healing, it is more like dumping salt on an open wound.
Tuesday is the 6 month mark since Jarrett’s death. My Facebook is litter with status messages of others who lost siblings 6 months ago, all missing their brother or sister.
Though I know others are experiencing the same kind of loss and there are people who love and support me during this time, I am still alone in my grief. Life has gone on for others. They have found their way back to their normal life. My normal life is over. It died 6 months ago. I will never be that same person.