Notice the lack of posting around here? Well, that is because it’s April. The most difficult time of the year for me as I “prepare” for the anniversary of when Jarrett was killed. I’ve been feeling a lot of stress and worry about the upcoming anniversary, but I’m trying to be gentle on myself.
Anyway, some very nice folks in Giles County have offered to host a golf tournament in honor of Jarrett, with all proceeds going to his memorial fund. Even if you are not a golfer, please help us spread the word!
Here are the details:
Castle Rock Golf and Recreation of Pembroke, VA will host a golf tournament in honor of Jarrett Lane, one of the 32 students killed at VA Tech on April 16th, 2007. All proceeds will benefit the Jarrett Lane Memorial Fund and its mission to better the future of deserving youth in Giles Country.
The tournament will be held on Saturday May 9th, with a tee time of 9:00am. Teams of four will play on one of the area’s most beautiful and challenging golf courses. The registration fee is $300 per team, and teams can register by calling the golf course before May 8th at (540) 626-7276.
Just to let you know, the Jarrett Lane Memorial Fund is used to provide college scholarships to Narrows High Grad. We have a vision of expanding this to provide financial assistance to deserving youth in Giles County who wish to participate in various academic, athletic and leadership development programs.
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I’ve been struggling with my grief over Jarrett, and decided it is time to get some help. I know that my life will not be the way it was before he died, but I need to learn how to live a healthy, happy life without him, and I need to learn how to remember him.
Yesterday, I had a meeting with someone who is going to help me through this difficult time in my life. The meeting went really well, but as I reflect upon it I am really struck by how I was feeling in the moments just before the meeting.
I was very nervous. How could I not be? I was about to walk into the office of complete stranger and have to tell her about my greatest pains and how each day is a struggle. It takes a lot of courage for me to do that because I am very protective over my story, my loss, my hurt. What if she was to tell me that my problems are minor, “Do you see the world we live in, there are much bigger problems!” Or, what if she told me that I should be able to “fix” my problems on my own, and if I can’t then I’m a very weak person who does not deserve to live - let alone live a happy, healthy life.
Yeah, it seems ridiculous to think that anyone would actually say those things. But, those thoughts were at the forefront of my mind as I pulled into the parking lot of her office. There is a voice inside me that often tells me that I’m making these things up - my pain, suffering and sadness -it’s all a lie the voice says, or nobody really cares. The voice usually only speaks up when I’m about to do something in attempt to make myself healthier. I’m not sure where it comes from, but I know it is the same voice that tells me I’m not a “real” writer each time I sit down and stare at a blank page.
And even though that same voice tries to make me feel alone, I doubt I am the only person who has a “discouraging” voice, a voice that feeds us lies and tries to use fear to keep us from living the life we want.
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I think this past week will be included in my list of Life’s Top 10 Shittiest Weeks.
On Tuesday my family & I had to attend our Hardship hearing. Just take a moment to think about that….HARDSHIP hearing…..and it certainly lived up to its name of being hard. I was a complete wreck for a couple days after the hearing that forced me to be submerged in my grief (again), and brought other pains to the surface.
Then on Friday afternoon my boss called me into his office and asked me to close the door behind me - which I learned meant I was either getting a promotion or laid off. I want to remain respectful of my former employer and won’t divulge all the details here on the internet - but if you take me out for a beer or a cup of coffee I’ll tell you why I’m now unemployed, and I’ll probably ask you to pay for my drink.
These two events and a couple other things have caused me to struggle with anger, feelings of worthlessness, fear of abandonment and depression. Not to mention the fear and nervousness I now have about my future. I am truly feeling like I need an escape - even if just for a couple days.
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Notice the lack of blogging here lately? Yes, I’m still alive, just been really busy.
I spent this past weekend in Ocracoke with some lovely ladies from work. We went down to celebrate the marriage of one of our other co-workers. I will confess, I was nervous about traveling with 4 other ladies. Although we all get along at work, traveling together and sharing a hotel room (read: 1 bathroom), is greatly different. But, I had a blast! I spent the ride down and back listening to my VP tell stories of her adventures in Europe – from lunches on a beach and becoming friends with strangers, to exploring an old, abandoned jail with a lover – I was enthralled with her tales. The whole weekend was full of fun, void of any fights or bathroom drama, and we all came back slightly closer than before we left.
Now that I’m back in town I’m busy making Halloween costumes for my nephew & nieces. My goal is to finish them before Monday when my mom, grandmother, sister & babies are coming to Richmond. One of the final “court” meetings we have for the settlement is happening on Tuesday. So, besides trying to make adorable baby sheep costumes, I’m also arranging lodging and babysitting for my sis, clean my house, prepare for our hearing and continue my search for more income. But, this time next week a large chunk of my to-do list will be checked off and I will be able to add many new things that I can worry over.
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I was giving a friend an update on everything going on in life lately and he responded by saying, “When it rains…”
He is right. It is pouring right now.
On Friday evening Dan’s grandmother, Nanny passed away. From the moment I met her Nanny accepted me into the family and always greeted me with a hug and a kiss. Her hands were always busy doing something to care for a family member. Now I’m getting to hear stories from her hometown of how she was a friend to many. What she accomplished in her life and the legacy she leaves behind is astonishing.
Here is a slideshow my father-in-law put together remembering Nanny.
Yesterday my mom, sister & I went to court for a hearing regarding the settlement over Jarrett’s death. The already stressful event had potential to be even more stressful. There was a possibility my dad would show up and we would have to testify about how he was never a father to Jarrett. It’s been really hard for me to “deal” with all of this. It’s the two greatest pains of my life converging together. Luckily things went as well as to be expected yesterday - my dad didn’t show and we didn’t have to testify. Now we only have one more hurdle to jump over before all of this stuff will be over with. Then maybe I can focus on healing and remember Jarrett.
I can’t describe exactly how I’m feeling now, other than it feels like stress and fear. Last night as I went to bed I took a moment to examine how I was feeling physically - exhausted, sick to my stomach, headache, lightheaded and my heart was beating fast and hard. I slept hard, and even overslept. Today has been a bit better, but I’m really just wanting the weekend to get here so I can feel like I have time to rest.
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Yesterday I was reminded of a scene in movie I recently watched. In the scene a woman compared a previous relationship to a small, windowless room. Each day the walls close in on her a bit more, and the room gets smaller. It continues to shrink until it is like a box, or a casket. Her mind, heart and soul become consumed with thoughts of how she will escape.
I relate to this, not because of a certain relationship in my life, but because of many areas in my life. I have built the walls of my windowless room with fear of disappointing people I love; my fear of history repeating; my inability to forgive; and my insecurities.
These walls surround me each day – on some days the room they form is very tiny, other days there is enough space for me to stretch out and to think that I’m free.
This week the walls have closed in on me like a casket, and I am consumed with escaping. Today I’m going to visit another therapist to see if he can help me break down these walls some and be free. Free to make the choices I want to make for myself. Free to exercise wisdom, and to live a little irresponsibly from time to time. Free to love and be loved.
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Over the past year I’ve attended a few too many ceremonies and memorials, most of which I have thought were a waste of time and didn’t come close to capturing Jarrett’s spirit and life. But, this week I had the privilege of attending a ceremony that I enjoyed. It was attended by people who played important roles in Jarrett’s life & mine.
The video below contains the most beautiful speech I’ve heard about Jarrett, given by his advisor/teacher, Marc Edwards. Following the speech, Craig Whittaker sang the song he wrote in honor of Jarrett.
The Bridge Builder
By Will Allen Dromgoole
An old man, going a lone highway,
Came, at the evening, cold and gray,
To a chasm, vast, and deep, and wide,
Through which was flowing a sullen tide.
The old man crossed in the twilight dim;
The sullen stream had no fears for him;
But he turned, when safe on the other side,
And built a bridge to span the tide.
“Old man,” said a fellow pilgrim, near,
“You are wasting strength with building here;
Your journey will end with the ending day;
You never again must pass this way;
You have crossed the chasm, deep and wide-
Why build you a bridge at the eventide?”
The builder lifted his old gray head:
“Good friend, in the path I have come,” he said,
“There followeth after me today,
A youth, whose feet must pass this way.
This chasm, that has been naught to me,
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be.
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him.”
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Thursday & Friday were bad days for me. It was nearly impossible for me to get through work and all I wanted to do was curl up in bed. Friday after work I finally got to have some time to try to cheer myself up. It started with a friend bringing me some cannoli and ended with me curled up in bed watching tv. After going to NBC’s website to watch the latest episode of The Office, which was hilarious, I wanted to watch more tv. So, I browsed around and found Lipstick Jungle. I watched almost the entire first season and quickly felt much better. I’m sure that it was having the chance to escape my own world for a little while that brought me out of my funk. Or maybe it was getting to know the show’s 3 main characters, who are successful women living life in NYC, and getting to watch them encourage each other that cured my bad mood. Or, it could have been the beautiful clothes and jewelry the characters wore that perked me up.
I’m sure it had nothing to do with him:
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I feel like I haven’t had a normal heartbeat in days, nor a complete, sane thought. I can’t focus on my work (shhh…please don’t tell my boss), I’m exhausted all the time and every morning I wake up with a headache. Nothing seems to bring me the clarity and peace I need to get through the day, not even a beautiful sunny afternoon that should make me appreciate life.
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Last night was my Birthday Potluck. I can’t remember a time when I’ve heard a group of people sing Happy Birthday so loud, and having a group of friends serenade me has never meant as much as it did last night.
I don’t know where to start when trying to describe how I’ve felt over the past week. Simply, I’ve missed Jarrett a lot. For nearly twenty years we celebrated our birthdays together. It was really hard to not be able to do that this year. But, my amazing friends made me feel very loved (and not alone) this week. Last night was the perfect birthday celebration because of the people I got to spend it with - people who bedazzle with me, make me star-shaped tie-dye cupcakes and want to be part of my life, even when things are painful.
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Friday is Jarrett’s birthday. Being the first one we will celebrate without him, my family & I are headed to the beach for the weekend because Jarrett loved going to the beach. Here is a note my mom put in her community paper, inviting her neighbors to celebrate Jarrett’s birthday:
Jarrett Lane was known and loved by many people in Giles County. Friday, March 28th is his birthday. To celebrate his life, we ask you to join us in remembering him. On Friday, we encourage you to spend time sharing your favorite memories of Jarrett and doing things that Jarrett loved to do – like, spend time with friends, get outside and play, go for a drive and spend the evening watching a movie with family.
Love, the family of Jarrett Lane.
Child of Wonder, Child of God. We remember you.
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