Fear
I’ve been struggling with my grief over Jarrett, and decided it is time to get some help. I know that my life will not be the way it was before he died, but I need to learn how to live a healthy, happy life without him, and I need to learn how to remember him.
Yesterday, I had a meeting with someone who is going to help me through this difficult time in my life. The meeting went really well, but as I reflect upon it I am really struck by how I was feeling in the moments just before the meeting.
I was very nervous. How could I not be? I was about to walk into the office of complete stranger and have to tell her about my greatest pains and how each day is a struggle. It takes a lot of courage for me to do that because I am very protective over my story, my loss, my hurt. What if she was to tell me that my problems are minor, “Do you see the world we live in, there are much bigger problems!” Or, what if she told me that I should be able to “fix” my problems on my own, and if I can’t then I’m a very weak person who does not deserve to live – let alone live a happy, healthy life.
Yeah, it seems ridiculous to think that anyone would actually say those things. But, those thoughts were at the forefront of my mind as I pulled into the parking lot of her office. There is a voice inside me that often tells me that I’m making these things up – my pain, suffering and sadness -it’s all a lie the voice says, or nobody really cares. The voice usually only speaks up when I’m about to do something in attempt to make myself healthier. I’m not sure where it comes from, but I know it is the same voice that tells me I’m not a “real” writer each time I sit down and stare at a blank page.
And even though that same voice tries to make me feel alone, I doubt I am the only person who has a “discouraging” voice, a voice that feeds us lies and tries to use fear to keep us from living the life we want.
hey, maybe we can introduce our voices to each other and they can then bug the crap out of each other instead of us!
alicia, you are incredibly brave. you are incredibly creative. you are incredibly kind and fun-loving… even when you don’t feel like it.
you deserve this- keep going after it! (oh- and tell that voice to shut up- you know where its coming from)
Hello Alicia,
A link to your blog arrived in my mail because I have a Google alert for the word ‘pilgrimage’. I felt like a voyeur clicking on the link but you see, even your name intrigued me. That is the name I have chosen for the main protagonist in my first novel that I am painfully writing – so we do have a few things in common.
Perhaps you need to go on a nice long walk – a journey of the soul. There is a place on a 1000 year old trail in Spain (you could learn to speak Spanish!) where you can leave a pebble from home. You must carry this pebble from home and rub all your cares, sorrows and disappointments into it whilst you are walking. When you get to the Cruz de Ferro in the Irago Mountains, you leave the pebble on a huge cairn at the base of the cross.
You are not alone,
Big hug,
Sil
Alicia, i love you. i am so glad you are in the place to get help and hopefully you will have a great experience. The past couple of years i have been in therapy grieving over the loss of my health. It has helped immensely. My therapist never once told me there are greater problems in the world than mine. A godd therapist would not do that. BUT, i did have the same fear the first time i met with him. You are not alone and everyone’s experience is different. We should never compare ourselves to others. We are uniquely made and how we each deal with the ups and downs in life is different for everybody. There is no right or wrong way. My therapist developed brain and lung cancer and is no longer practicing as of this last July. i am happy to have a break but am open to trying someone else in the future if i need it, and i am sure i will at some point.
Adele