4.16 – Three years later

Maybe it’s happened to you. You’re driving down the interstate halfway focused on where you are going but more interested in the music coming from your speakers. Mind drifting from music to life and back again with the occasional stop to notice the cars around you and highway signs passing by. Safe in your world and alone in your thoughts, it’s not a bad drive with the windows down and sunglasses on. You’re even on schedule to arrive at your destination right on time.

Then, out of nowhere, and for no understandable reason, some idiot doesn’t check his blind spot and moves into your lane. Fight or flight reflexes kick in as you choose from honking, flipping the bird or my favorite – letting out a tiny plea for help in the famous prayer of “ahhhh!”

Your only option to avoid getting hit is to swerve onto the narrow shoulder to your right. Vivid images of hitting the gravel and spinning out of control flash into your mind as you tighten your grip of the steering wheel. So clearly you can see it happening, sliding, unable to stop and not in control. Heart racing you are certain this asshole who can’t check his blind spot is about to cause a painful disaster for you.

That white-knuckled, heart-pounding, adrenaline-fueled fear that leaves you feeling powerless and small – that’s how I feel during the month of April.

Day and night I dread reliving the most horrific event of my life. Restless nights and exhausting days trying to appear “normal” while waiting for the 16th to arrive.

For the first and second anniversaries I “dealt” with my fear by drinking and escaping to the safety of my bed. Wine, a few Tylenol PMs and tears put me to sleep for a few hours.

However, this 3rd year has been very different. The fear is just as intense and the pain still makes me sick – but just like someone living with physical chronic pain, I’m learning to manage.

4.16.07 was the scariest day of my life. News reports alerting me of the increasing number of victims, unanswered calls to Jarrett’s phone, roommates confirming Jarrett had class in Norris Hall that morning, and hospitals with lists of the injured – none with the name Jarrett Lane. By noon I realized that I had likely lost part of myself that day. I likely had lost one of the people I cherish most in life, someone who understood me, inspired me and was part of my being.

Each anniversary I relive the fear of losing him. I can no longer spend hours laughing with him, watch a movie next to him or call him – even though instincts are still alive as I often reach for my phone to text or call him. Now I fear losing the memories, forgetting the sound of his voice and, I desperately fear growing distant from him.

This year I’ve been managing my fear and pain by taking time each day in April to talk about Jarrett with a friend or just sitting in silence and replaying memories in my mind. That has been the best pain management trick I’ve discovered thus far.

Today I’ve spent time resting, laying in the sun by Jarrett’s grave while blasting music from a mixed CD created by one of his buddies, and driving through my hometown thinking about all the fun we had here together. And for one of the first moments this month, I feel peace.

Last Birthday Post (I Promise!)

As you guys can tell, I place a lot of value on birthdays. It became very important to me that I do something to celebrate Jarrett’s birthday each year. For the third year, I’ve spent the weekend with my family. We load up the cars and spend the weekend together doing something fun and that reminds us of Jarrett.

A little known fact about my family is that we love water parks! Young and old alike, we love floating, splashing and playing in water. This year we spent Jarrett’s birthday weekend at Massanutten’s indoor water park. Here are some pictures of us having fun.

(I know, there are duplicates and some bad pics here, but I don’t have any more patience for this photo gallery. So, you will simply have to enjoy some pics twice and also some pics taken by pre-schoolers.)

Birthday Month Days 11-31

Occasionally I have a good idea or two, and I must say that Birthday Month is among my best ideas ever.

Sorry, I kept you guys in the dark on how I celebrated each day past day 10, but I will summarize.

I celebrated by:

• Handing out Hope Notes to unsuspecting ladies I adore
• Accepted (and gave out) more invitations to dinner, drinks or fun
• Took my lovely sister out for cake
• Tried new things and made new friends
• Sent some letters to people that inspire me
• Took some fantastic naps
• Consumed a record-breaking amount of cupcakes, cookies, cake and sweets
• Spent time with family

Typically I’m a pretty happy person on my birthday,  but yesterday I was giddy to the extreme. A month of celebrating life and radical playfulness created an abundance of gratefulness that could not be contained yesterday as I smiled from ear to ear all day.

Thanks to everyone who joined in on the celebration! Let’s do it again next year.

Birthday Month Day 9

Anytime a person attempts to do something great, there are critics waiting to, you know, criticize.

As I approach being one third of the way through my month-long celebration, the critics have been giving their opinions. They have much to say about my efforts to enjoy myself. Comments range from “this is a ridiculous and childish idea” to “what makes you think you deserve this”.

photo credit: anthom

My critics have really been going after me this month. They haven’t been holding back at all as they are judging every aspect of my life.

I decided enough was enough. It was time to confront them.

I invited them to join me for dinner. We sat outside on a sunny evening having a glass of wine and bread with various cheese and hummus spreads. We chatted for about an hour and got to the bottom of this recent invasion.

You may already be able to sense the source of these attacks, I should have seen it coming. It was simply my unhealthy desire to be accepted. Over the past month I’ve opened myself up to new work opportunities, new relationships, more honesty and more writing. That’s a lot of new exposure for one girl.

Today’s birthday celebration was spent alone wrestling with these issues of insecurity and the need for acceptance that I often let get out of control. I celebrate this because I didn’t give up, and by the end of my dinner I had won this battle.

Birthday Month Day 8

What a day, guys.

Monday tried it’s best to kick my ass. I spent all day fighting back. As of early this afternoon I was winning, then bam – a headache from hell. Monday was back in the lead, but I wasn’t about to give up. I rested, fueled up on some pizza and came back strong enough to knock some really important things off my to-do list.

It was about 10pm when I reclined in my big comfy chair thinking “Ha, Monday, I showed you!” Then, I remembered – it’s Birthday Month!!

I hadn’t planned anything to do to celebrate today!

What a great reflection of my life! I easily get caught up in the business of life that I forget to do the fun (and important) things I promise to myself.

With just two hours left in the day I was left with a couple of choices. I could give in to the fact that I didn’t plan or make time for this and skip today. Or, I could scramble.

I chose to scramble! (Take that Monday.)

Thankfully, I have an emergency stash of sparklers and a good friend nearby. So at 10:30pm we had a Surprise Sparkler Pajama Party!

Birthday Month Day 7

Today’s celebration was shared with everyone in town who took advantage of the beautiful, sunny day. I celebrated the afternoon by taking a walk thru the city with a good friend. Along our walk we chatted about the joys and stressors of life right now. Starting out there seemed to be more discussion about the stressors, and not so much about the joys. However, by the end we discovered Utopia.

Birthday Month Day 6

I only have one word for Day 6 of Birthday Month…

Champagne!

photo credit: federica esse

Birthday Month Day 5

Today was one of the busiest work days I’ve had in the past couple of weeks, but I still found a few moments to do something to celebrate birthday month.

Recently I (re)discovered the power of expressing gratitude. To celebrate today and the amazing people around me, I spent a few minutes writing thank you notes to people who have gone out of their way to do something kind for me, or that have inspired me.

photo credit: Indie Bands With a Mission

Birthday Month Day 4

I’ll let you guys in on a little secret, I absolutely love presents! I love giving, receiving and sometimes just dreaming about what I would give people if I had all the money in the world.

My mom knows this about me – well, actually she nurtured this love affair with gifts that I have. No one will ask me what I want for my birthday more often than my mom. Over the years she’s given me books, shoes, clothes, cat toys and many other things that girls adore.

But, there are some gifts that no one can give me, not even my sweet mom. These are beautiful, priceless gifts that only I can give myself.

On Birthday Month Day 4 I gave myself permission (and encouragement) to speak my truth.

Birthday Month Day 3

A vital part to throwing a great birthday party is having the perfect guest list of people you love and that are fun to be around.

But, occasionally someone who was not invited feels the need to stop by and crash the party.

An uninvited guest crashed my Day 3 birthday celebration.

photo credit: W J (Bill) Harrison

Day 3’s celebration took place at a bowling alley with some new friends from my BNI group for the group’s monthly social event. I curled my hair, wore a fun top and put on some pink lipstick for the celebration. Once there I laughed with my new friends and tried my first (and second) Long Island Iced Tea.

When I was younger I loved going bowling with my sister, brother and friends. We would often be found at the bowling alley on a Saturday night for Midnight bowling, when we would bowl till 3 or 4 in the morning. However, I retired my bowling shoes after college, and calling my comeback performance rusty would be a generous compliment.

Being somewhat athletic most of my life there have been only a few sports and activities which I couldn’t complete to my satisfaction. However, bowling has become one of those activities.

Maybe it was the Long Island Iced Teas, but I quickly attributed it to losing my athletic ability because……I’m getting old. My body and mind are starting to fail me. I had heard this would happen, and what better timing than Birthday Month.

As I was letting those thoughts seep into my brain and work on being ok with getting old (because I hear you can easily accept that notion in just a few moments in a bowling alley), a couple of my friends made innocent, harmless comments about my age….about how much younger I am than them.

And, that’s when an uninvited guest crashed my party. That bitch, Insecurity, popped in to reinforce the lie that I am not “enough”.

Great – what’s a birthday celebration with out some confusion on feeling too young or too old, instead of just right?

Over the past year I’ve been working hard at battling back against Insecurity. I call her out for what she is – a coward and a bitch. She is simply an obstacle that I must overcome.

My gift to myself on Birthday Month Day 3 was the courage to name my insecurities and the wisdom to embrace being “just right”, which I did by taking a drive through downtown late at night. The dark, empty streets nestled between the tall buildings seemed to be waiting for the hustle and bustle of another work day. It served as a great reminder that life is too dynamic and complicated to be summed up into “I am too much this” or “I am too little that”.

Birthday Month Day 2

For day 2 of Birthday Month I treated myself to a mini-vacation. I escaped from my world of dirty laundry and deadlines to visit the world of another young woman in her moment of truth.

My trip was to the Cultural Center at Glen Allen to see the On The Air Radio Players present “The Philadelphia Story” – which was released in 1940 as a movie staring Cary Grant & Katherine Hepburn.

Watching the radio show was fun, as the actors were in costume and also performing all the sound effects for the show. The actors did their best to keep up with speed at which Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant would deliver their witty lines –  a fun duo that I fell in love with when my sister and I saw “Bringing up Baby”.

The gift I received came from the main character, a young woman struggling to define herself and her relationships. After much therapy and liquoring up my friends to the point where they spill their inner most thoughts, I have come to the conclusion that we are all fighting this battle of being true to ourselves AND being in relationship with others. I’m front and center on the battlefield, equipped with my heart on my sleeve and an arsenal stock-piled with weapons of mass destruction.

In “The Philadelphia Story”, she won a battle in the war of living. Watching her find a way for love and authenticity to co-exist gave me hope that I can also win those battles and taste the sweet victory when my heart stays intact and I experience the miracle of connecting with another human being.

Birthday Month

Most of you only think of today as March 1st.

Yet, my family knows that today is the first day of Birthday Month. Some people just celebrate on their actual birthday, others may stretch it to an entire week, but I’m not most people.

I love to celebrate, plus I know so many wonderful people with birthdays in March that I declared each day of the month shall be celebrated!

Each day this month I will do something to celebrate life, all the way up until the 31st (which is my birthday).

Today I celebrated the love of a good friend and the sweetness of life by enjoying a delicious vegan cookie that was given to me. I also celebrated my desire to be a writer by starting an article/essay I hope to craft into something worthy of publication.

My Life

I heard this song for the first time last night and fell in love with it. Thought it might make a great “comeback” post. Enjoy.

My life, it don’t count for nothing
when I look at this world I feel so small
My life, it’s only a season
a passing September that no one will recall

But I gave joy to my mother and I made my lover smile
and I can give comfort to my friends when they’re hurting
and I can make it seem better for a while

My life, it’s half the way traveled
and still I have not found my way out of this night
My life, it’s tangled in wishes
and so many things that just never turned out right

But I gave joy to my mother and I made my lover smile
and I can give comfort to my friends when they’re hurting
and I can make it seem better for a while

- Lyrics by Iris DeMent

Here is the audio from Heather Masse and Garrison Keillor performing this song on Prairie Home Companion.

My Life

NaNoWriMo 2009

It’s still about a month away, but November is coming. It’s the time of year when we will start to worry about our Christmas shopping and contemplate how to avoid annoying family members at the traditional Thanksgiving dinner. But, a few thousand people (like, about 100,000), will be burning the midnight oil doing something else. The few, the inspired, and the possibly crazy will be registering for NaNoWriMo, aka National Novel Writing Month.

In a mere 30 days we will attempt to achieve the seemingly impossible, we will write a book. It may not be the next great American novel, but it will be. It will exist. We will have conquered the inner Editor/Judge/Bitch and the terrifying blank screen.

I’ve signed up for NaNoWriMo for the last three years, but I’ve never risen to the challenge. This year will be mine! I’ve started preparing, which will hopefully work better than the “winging it” I’ve done in the past.

First, I’m joining a writing group with fellow NaNoWriMo authors. We haven’t hammered out the details, but we’re gonna meet regularly to review each other’s work, give advice and encouragement…and more importantly, accountability.

Second, I’m looking for help. So far, I found that many people who have succeed at this in the past have a NaNoWriMo Survival Kit. Many of their suggestions include their laptop, candy for rewards, cozy socks and some sort of writing guide. Hmmm, what would be in my survival kit?

Of course, my laptop and my journal. Maybe some tea. Oh, and Nutella! And, many reminders from Anne Lamott, Annie Dillard, Natalie Goldberg and others who tell us that this writing thing I’m choosing to do is not easy.

My third resource that will hopefully help me achieve this goal of writing 50,000 words in a month, is a new treasure to me called The Snowflake Method. It’s a 10 step guide to writing a novel. Seriously, they can break anything down into a 10- or 12-step guide these days.

Do you have any tips for surviving and thriving during NaNoWriMo?

Another tip I recently received about writing a novel came from some very wise authors at the most recent James River Writers’ event. The novelists each said that their novels start with a question they can’t answer, or a paradox they see in life. Today I spent my morning coming up with the question for my novel. I think they are right! I’m energized and excited for my story. Answering this question has become deeply important to me, and I know it will constantly be in my mind over the next few weeks. Ah, I love it!

Writing Practice

photo credit: Whatsername?

I’ve been listening to Natalie Goldberg’s Writing Down the Bones in the car recently, and I’m in love.

She often mentions the phrase “writing practice” when talking about daily journaling/writing/skill work/tying one’s self to the desk until blank pages have words on them. I’ve heard other writers also say that is important, so I decided I should finally figure this out.

Natalie has developed a routine for writing every single day. She has developed writing exercises to make this a productive time, and she set a goal to fill one 100 page notebook each month. Sounds like a good plan.

Being someone who wants to be a writer I took Natalie’s advice to heart. I dug up a spiral bound notebook I bought on sale last year when school started (it’s only 70 pages, but will have to do for this beginner) and I started writing every day. Well, by every day I mean one day here, and one day there. And by “writing” I mean filling pages with words about the things I’m confused about in life.

After a few weeks of uninspiring ranting, I gave up thinking this writing practice stuff Natalie talked about must only work for certain people. I would need a different formula because this was unfulfilling and didn’t spur creativity or energy.

But, I kept listening to Writing Down the Bones, and today the tiny lightbulb in my head went off.

Writing practice is more than a routine, a special notebook, energizing writing places and a quota. Its a chance to practice life.

For me, this means that instead of filling a backpack full of spiral bound notebooks with gibberish like, “Oh, I’m so confused. I think I should feel this way, but I’m not sure that I do. Poor me.” I can claim my feelings and inspiration by practicing life on the page. Instead of being frozen with fear about the change of a relationship, I can write about what my life will be like without that person. Instead of wasting pages worrying if I’m a decent business owner, I can practice writing about success and failure.

Natalie shares in one part of her book that she found an old notebook where she had tried on several occasions to write about her father’s death. Finally, after months of trying she was able to approach the subject in a manner that satisfied her. The striking fact is that her father is still alive and well today. She was practicing life on the page. She was simply doing writing practice.